Dad Was Right

Basically all of my socks are like this. Because I wear them around the house without shoes sometimes.

I was warned.

Let's Speak Frankly About This

After thinking it for weeks, I simply blurted it out to my wife last night during Sesame Street.

"I don't think this guy can stand these kids one bit," I said.

"I so totally agree," my wife responded.

So, we agreed, Allen -- the "Mr. Hooper replacement," to those of us in our 30's -- seriously looks like about 10% of him likes his job and the other 90% is barely-concealed rage. We could be 100% wrong, but we can't really imagine him interacting with the kids at all when the cameras are off.

We agreed that Bob and Luis are the most pure-hearted and genuinely "there." Bob is rarely ever on the show anymore, by the way, and Luis is on only once in a while. Maria is on fairly regularly, and she's good. We disagree about Gordon. I think he's cool, my wife thinks he's actually more like Allen. Gabi seems genuine. We agreed the deaf woman who used to be on the show seemed genuine. We like both Mr. Noodles, but obviously prefer the younger one (because he's the "third guy" in the "Don't Worry Be Happy" video). The new blonde woman seems genuine.

So, although we feel bad saying it, we really just don't think we trust Allen. I'm sure he's a good person. We just don't think he actually likes kids.

Top Ten Realizations of the Past Eight Days (Asterisks Denote Things I Had Known Before, But Had Forgotten)

10. When motivated by fear of one's own obesity, high cholesterol, and a curious lab result relating to one's liver, one can quickly abandon many of one's bad eating habits, more or less overnight, seemingly convincingly. At its base, this is a testament to the tenacity of human cowardice and fear of mortality, not human discipline or resolve.

9. My cowardice and fear of mortality are not quite strong enough to get me out of bed early to ride my bike before work. This will require some discipline and resolve.

8. Fruit isn't all that bad.* Fruit juice is a decent substitute for soft drinks.

7. When buying a bumblebee costume for a two-year old, one should not blindly trust packaging that claims "One size fits all," especially if the packaging's sole support for that claim takes the form of an exclamation mark.*

6. A two-year-old will enjoy a bumblebee costume even if the costume is about two times too big.

5. Cubs fans will root for the White Sox. Cubs fans who do so in Arizona are reasonably well-insulated from the barbs of "true" Sox fans.

4. There are some interesting podcasts out there, and iTunes is a pretty good way to access and manage them.

3. There are some really lousy podcasts out there, and iTunes completely drops the ball when it comes to warning me that they are way too stupid to bother downloading.

2. If the good folks at Apple put a 2.5 inch video screen on something, I will really, really want it.

1. My wife and daughter just got home, so I must return to the living room.

That is all.

Funny, I Don't FEEL Obese...

So, a few days ago at work, there was a health fair. I don't think I've ever paid these any mind in the past. This time, I decided to go down and get checked out. My decision was driven by the fact that since moving here a year ago, I haven't done anything at all to find a doctor or dentist or whatnot, so, even though I haven't been to a doctor since about 2002, I at least used to know I had a doctor. Now I feel adrift. So, I went down to the health fair for a twenty minute check-up.

They had converted one of our conference rooms into a mini health center, with several stations. At first things seemed to go well. Blood pressure: 116/64. Very good. Height: 73 inches. Keeping it real. (Missing the all-important 74 inch mark, but 73 inches is enough to work with, what with the poofy hair and whatnot.)

Things took an ugly turn on the scale. I'll refrain from divulging actual numbers (and you can see my photo below, but the problem on the weight front is that I realized, for the first time, that I have gained 20 pounds since moving here a little over a year ago. I previously had absolutely no suspicion that such a thing had transpired. I was rather stunned.

But it got worse. The next station was for the measurement of body fat. I will cut to the chase here. I am obese. My body fat percentage is 27.2%. Nearly 1/3 of me is fat. Again, without divulging actual numbers, this translates into fairly more than FIFTY POUNDS of fat on me.

Part of me receives this information with a spirit of denial... Thinking that surely the medical industry must be setting their defined terms too aggressively, to scare the public. I am not ready for a marathon (OK I am not even ready for a 5K) but surely I am not "obese"?

But the honest part of me embraces this truth and stands to face it. I get no exercise (apart from some cycling last spring, abandoned over the baking summer months, and not yet resumed this fall). I drink too much soda. I don't really govern what I eat, other than loosely avoiding most fast food, most of the time, and... Well, that's actually about it. I would have thought I tend to eat reasonable amounts -- maybe I do, and the problem is more about content of food and lack of exercise. Too much meat? Too much pasta? Too many creamy sauces?

The pamphlet the health fair folks gave me, a generic handout on which they scribbled my test results, warns of fairly dire potential consequences of obesity. Dropping dead, for example.

Friday, I resolved to get back on my bike, stop drinking sodas, and flatly stop eating fast food. Saturday I hiked with my daughter instead of cycling (which included carrying her and giving her a ride on my shoulders, so this was a reasonably taxing outing... Not as good as cycling, but OK) but then toward the end of the day for various reasons I had a Coke and an In-and-Out cheeseburger. Lame.

On Sundays, I usually don't eat before Church, and today is one of those days. I may be able to get out on the bike this afternoon.

I wonder if I can lose those 20 pounds and shed maybe 7.3 points of that body fat in this coming year.

New words to live by, from the health fair pamphlet:

"Reducing your intake of fats (in particular saturated fats such as pork, beef, whole milk, bacon, butter and cream) which contain twice as many calories as sugar, may be particularly important to a successful diet."

"Other recomendations... include drinking six to eight glasses of fluids daily, eating more low-calorie/ high fiber foods (fruits and vegetables), finding ways to deal with stress effectively -- without food -- and consuming less sugar."

(Posted mostly via Blackberry.)

First Meeting of the 365 Lunches Fan Club, Santa Monica Chapter

(King Size) Snickers Bar

I ate you, but I knew I oughtnt'a.
You were made of sugar, cocoa butter and palm kernel oil.
You may have contained almonds.
You were so big, you were three servings.
I ate you, but I knew I oughtnt'a.

I found you, where you lurked indefinitely.
I got a glass of ice water, but I wanted chocolate.
I was typing e-mails, and for some reason I opened my desk drawer.
You were there. I put you there, I think. I know not when.
I found you, where you lurked indefinitely.

I ate you, but I knew I oughtnt'a.
When I grabbed you, I told myself I would not eat all of you.
The first several bites of you were good. You gave me no trouble.
Those last few bites of you, I knew I'd done us both wrong.
I ate you, but I knew I ougthnt'a.

Two glasses of ice water don't change the fact that I ate you, knowing I oughtnt. They just hide the indigestion.

For now.